F*ck the (chronic) pain away!

I’m all about us getting our sexy on. But those of us with chronic pain sometimes need a few extra steps to ensure we’re having the time of our lives. Here are my top tips:

1. Be honest. 

Communication is key for fantastic, partnered sex, so be honest if pain is getting in the way of your good times. Tell your partners what you feel and how it impacts your sex life. Then strategize together how you’ll approach sex so that you’re both having fun. 

2. Plan ahead. 

If you know you want to get busy later, make space for some prep. Schedule a time to take your pain meds, or to use other pain management tools. Because tense muscles can exacerbate pain, consider what will relax you—and your muscles—so you’re not wincing your way through sex. Apply heat to your body with warm compresses or with a cozy bath or shower. And I know it sounds silly, but stretching before and after can really help. 

Sex is an athletic activity, after all… even if you’re not allowed to do it at the gym.

3. Demand pleasure.

Be clear about what feels good to you, and what doesn’t. This is something play partners should be talking about anyway, whether or not they experience chronic pain.

4. Let all the feelings happen.

Pain can sometimes be a manifestation of unexpressed feelings, and sex can be a common time for them to come up. If you notice difficult feelings bubbling up, let them, so that they don’t linger and get in the way of your good time.

5. Be curious.

If pain makes it tough to get comfortable, experiment until you find a place of ease. Think about using props—like pillows or bolsters—to support different parts of your body. Experiment with positions that provide more support and that avoid aggravating areas that could trigger a pain flare-up, like spooning, supported missionary, and supported doggy style, which give you more control.

And if there’s anything that needs to be taken off the table because it causes you pain, know that there are so many ways to be intimate and to enjoy pleasure.

6. Lean into the outercourse.

If penetrative sex is the thing that’s triggering your pain, linger longer with some outercourse to ensure you’re FULLY aroused before you let anyone or anything slip inside you. Also, know that outercourse can be the main event if that’s what feels good.

7. Bring a cute little fucker into the bedroom.

Finally, know that toys can be a great tool, both to relax your muscles and to help you enjoy pleasure in new and fun ways. Our toys were made by me, a person with chronic pain, specifically for people who might also have chronic pain.

Take home the most fun AND supportive toy!