Hey there friends - Here we are, hurtling toward the end of November, and all I want to do is cuddle with a friend and enjoy a cup of tea.
Maybe even just generate some heat with a solo toy session beneath several blankets.
But as I sit down to write this latest email, I can't help but think—again—of those who are overlooked when it comes to the general discourse around pleasure.
We've mentioned in the past the tendency to desexualize folks based upon their age, ability, gender, race, or size. One segment of the community we didn't mention is those who have been diagnosed with and are living with an STI.
There are all sorts of silly stories we tell ourselves about STIs… and about those who have them. For the most part, they don't bear repeating.
What I can say is that this stigma exists is because—unlike colds or stomach viruses—folks can get STIs by having sex.
The horror!
But here's the truth:
You are not your infection.
Rather, you have an infection, just as you have eyeballs and shoes and cranky moments and perhaps even a favorite brand of coffee.
All of these things are a part of your life.
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The fact that you got this infection by getting horizontal in the bedroom versus, I don’t know, getting onto a packed subway car filled with a sneezing, coughing crowd does not change that.
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), more than one million people contract an STI every flipping day!
To have one is irrelevant to your worth as a person. You are beautiful and loveable and worthy and—hell—in pretty good company.
Because of the *cough* *cough* ridiculous stigma that exists around STIs, however, it can still feel awkward to talk to partners about it.
But not only will communicating about your STI status help you engage in safer sex, but being open and direct about STIs will build trust and intimacy between you and your partners, which will naturally lead to even better sex!
What do we recommend?
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Do your homework. Learn as much as you can about the STI in question, including how it can be transmitted, what the symptoms are, and how it's treated. Your partners will likely have questions.
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Set the scene. And we're not referring to candles and silk bed sheets. When it comes to having any conversation about your sex life, it's best to be sober and fully clothed, and for all parties to feel safe and comfortable.
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Be aware of your boundaries. Whether you happen to have an STI, or you love someone who does, it’s worth it for all of you to think about what would make you feel most relaxed and safe when having sex. Do you want to hold off until you’ve both been tested? Do you consider certain forms of protection to be nonnegotiable? Be open with each other as you set these boundaries so you can truly enjoy yourselves.
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Talk testing. Whether or not you have an STI, it just makes good sense to get tested on the regular… and it's not outside the realm of reasonable to ask that your partners get tested, too.
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Use affirming language. A lot of stigmatizing language exists around STIs, words like “clean,” “pure,” “dirty,” and “infected.” Language like this has long been used to shame people simply for being sexually active. Instead, be matter-of-fact in the language you use when discussing STIs. One is not “dirty” or “infected.” They have tested positive for something that has no bearing on their value as a person.
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Be compassionate. As an extension of the above, all parties should approach this conversation with an attitude of caring for each other, rather than accusing each other of carrying the blame for something that could easily happen to anyone. Having an STI is a normal, common occurrence. Treat it as such.
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Stock up on safer sex tools. Having an STI doesn't have to interfere with your sex life. Each STI has its own particulars but, for the most part, things like condoms, gloves, and dental dams have got you covered.
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The same goes for when you're playing with your Cute Little Fuckers. Use condoms on your toys and clean them before and after use.
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Don’t apologize for insisting on kind and clear communication. Each of you deserves to feel safe, respected, and cared for.
Much like Starsi, you are a star. 🌟
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Until next time… your friend – Step
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P.S. For those of you who have managed to start your holiday shopping already, we wanted to give you a heads-up: Orders within the US using ground shipping should be placed by Dec. 19 in order to make it to you by Dec. 23 (though there are options for expedited shipping that will get your gifts there if you order by the 21st).
If you’re in Canada, we recommend you order by Dec. 9 (please estimate 7-10 days for arrival but not guaranteed) and, elsewhere in the world, by Dec. 14 (approximately 3-7 days delivery time but not guaranteed).
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